Maybe we should all just roll in some dirt.

Well, here we are-in the throes of summer, and I find it increasingly easy to think of nothing, yet still retain my restlessness. I've had a marathon of delicious naps, sun-drenched afternoons at work, ridiculously long road trips, sleepless nights, and "growing up/holy crap!" moments. I actually chose to write this today in hopes that some of my restlessness will abate with some healthy "electronic journaling". So, in the words of Tobias Funke-let the great experiment begin!
This summer has been relatively quiet. I've worked a grand total of five days (slack?...no, just...busy). I have honestly been doing lots of "nothing". Hey, it's fitting for summer, right? I think so, because pretty soon I'll never have a "seventeen-years-old-still-holding-to-that-childlike-innocence-while-experiencing-new-more-adult-things" summer again. I've been working on crocheting some socks, procrastinating with my "two dishes a week" cooking schedule, and countless other petty things. Who cares. Let's go to the deep stuff.
BOYS! Ha, it's deep, folks. Well, I had the most glorious encounter with an old friend while on vacation. Our families were BOTH in Orlando, so we decided to meet up after years of...not meeting up. Now, I actually had been talking to this fellow on facebook recently-about bands and such (naturally)-and I just couldn't fail to suppress that, "Oh no- transitioning from facebook to just 'face' communication? Crap", feeling. Boy, was I in for it.
This kid was AMAZING! He was hilarious, accommodating, kind, considerate, had excellent taste in all things art (think Sigur Ros and Jack London), and LOVES GOD. Is this a trick? Is it a test to see how holy I am by suppressing my innate desire to never leave this kid's side? I didn't care at the moment. I was too lost in his "I hike for days on end and want to work with the homeless" lines. Yes, it had to be a trick.
Whether or not the "God, seriously? Thank-you!" moments ended there are, quite frankly, no one's business but those whom I divulge it to, I told this adorable and "too-perfect encounter" story for a more ponderous and less comical reason: relationships.
After watching "Into the Wild" a couple of weeks ago, I've been wondering just how equally important relationships and isolation are. Relationships are the things that make life enjoyable; they enrich our own perspectives and add happiness to our lives. But how satisfying can relationships be without a foundational isolation that we should all possess? I think about how truly satisfying it would be to just spend time in nature, alone, with God. Let's really think about that-most of us have been groomed in "Christian speech" and can spout off things like "quiet time" and "personal growth"-who the heck gets excited about that?! I want my God to take me on adventures, to let me almost drown in river rapids, to climb and jump off the biggest mountains, to lay in the mud and clay and feel it trickle down to my toes; I want my God to BE my life. I want to live Him. Yes, I just made God receive the action of the verb "live". I'm actually thinking it's the opposite-or perhaps it's a two way street. Does this all make any sense? I hope so-because it's all I've been able to think about lately.
I mean, if we take this approach to God and Christianity-then our "religion" is not the foundation of our lives-it IS our lives. God is in all; He is all; He encompasses all. Our entire lives should be okay if we only live in the middle of nowhere and soak up all He allows us to understand while playing on this ridiculous playground called Earth.
But He didn't want it to stop there-He wants us to be further satisfied by allowing us to live together. So it makes sense that, while relationships are vital, and that they only get better with God's help, who we are alone-our individual soul-is the essential core of our lives. How sad would it be if God was a God who became boring after a few weeks in isolation. The very fact that our own human brains can ponder for our own lifetime is just preview to the incredible and abyssal essence that IS God. How can people see religion as a dead and bridling thing? If we simply look around, we'll see that God is a wild, adventurous, powerful, genius, free spirit. I'm not saying quit going to Church and become a hermit who never bathes and eats anything other than roots- but if we live our Christian lives by rules and hypocrisy in the Church and stringent discipline and guilt, then it is a dead religion. God came to free us, to fortify us-not to belittle and to destroy us.
Once our perspective changes, we change. If I can't be homeless, and hitchhike and camp, and wear one set of clothes, and travel and just live my life in communion with God, then how awesome is He? Truly? If I can't live in total and complete isolation-except for God's presence in my life-then why even bother with Christianity? If I'm going to base my entire life off of a set of ideals established thousands of years ago, then shouldn't this "Jesus/God/Holy Spirit" thing be enthralling? YES.
I also believe that we came to be lights-that we came to reflect the image of God. That being said, it's definite that God is productive, wise, compassionate, and above all, loving. I think it's important to integrate ourselves (to some extent) into the "day-to-day" aspects of life. I just don't necessarily think I'm crazy if I don't get a college degree, find a beautiful, Jesus lovin' husband, pop out a few kiddies, and organize ladies' bingo at ____town First Baptist. I think it's wrong to assume that isn't a good, full, God chosen life. Underneath soccer practices and picking out china and Church socials are the fundamentals of Christian living-love for our family, blessings from God, and Christian fellowship. It's sad that some youth today feel guilty about wanting a spouse and a family because it's "too normal". All I'm saying is that if we don't have some innate desire to be alone with God and His world He made-something is wrong. If we don't desire HIM and HIS heart and HIS fellowship, then what's the point? That awesome boy I mentioned earlier? I know there will come a day where he does something not awesome at all. He'll hurt me. I'll hurt him. It will happen. It's because, while God made him straight up wonderful-he ain't Jesus. True statement.
This is what I want-to lie amongst the trees and be satisfied. I want to spend my days under God's sun and be grateful. I want to make the most of my time here-be that by marrying and having a family, living chaste and investing in a needing community, or selling doughnuts out of my freezer (which sounds fine right now). He'll let me know. The only thing in store is a satisfying adventure, one that will allow me to leave this Earth content and full. That's what it always has been. That's what He will always be-and that, my friends, is captivating enough for me.

Sometimes brevity is truly clarity.

I want to seek haven in the mountains.
I want my crochet to not suck.
I want to pick up the piano again.
I need to stop watching Woody Allen films.
I like growing up.
I am nervous about a boy.
I cannot stop taking walks-even in 100+ degree heat.
I went to CofC orientation and dodged condoms that were being thrown at me.
I wish girls could hitch-hike/camp/travel alone without a 99.9% chance of misfortune.
I don't like being separated from people whom I care about.
I want to live in Frank Lloyd Wright's, "Fallingwater House".
I need to pray more. A LOT more.
I can't stop listening to the same four songs.
I don't like that my naivete about people is wearing off constantly thanks to people sucking.
I hope my dog's hair grows back fast. He looks like a rat.

That is all.

Plaid, banjos, and Godliness.

The theme of my past week has been... romantic relationships. This recurring theme has made itself known through a particular friendship, a particular potential suitor, and a boy I just adore from afar-but not...sort of.

This blog will be as messy and unclear as my thoughts lately. Sorry in advance.

My mother married when she was my age: 17. I was talking about this very point with my small group (naturally our "monthly gift", makeup usage, and boyfriend blunders are all mentioned too-we truly do talk about all of those things with ease and pleasure), when a group member stated that she could see herself married at her age (19) if not for school. How absurd is this? In my opinion, not very much.

To be honest- I would LOVE a Godly boyfriend in my life right about now. My last romantic endeavor was with a non-Christian (gasp now-I know it's foolish), and it was unhealthy already, without religion issues. Being with him showed me what I DON'T want. I honestly don't understand how I did it. Without some sort of morality- one loves selfishly. This is not fun. This is not satisfying. This does not inspire mutual respect for each other.

My current predicament: there are a healthy number of good guys that have some sterling qualities-but all of them are missing something that I need desperately. Be it physical attraction, intellect, or strength of character, something is hindering any furthering of a relationship. There is no getting around the fact that is SUCKS.

How am I going to have a boyfriend right now, anyhow? I am on the cusp of an incredible new place in life: university. God only knows how I'll change and grow. Plus- how much personal growth is there to be experienced! There's so much more for me to do and learn and experience before I'd be a good companion. Or not-who FREAKING KNOWS. Not me.

I just want a biblical relationship. I want to love someone and be loved in such a way that shares the love of Christ with the world. Selfless, gracious, passionate, wild, pure love is what I want. Yet, I know I could live my entire life single, solely exploring my own self and thoughts. I could push myself: write more, write better; finally become learned in gardening and cooking: by a house in France and create my own home; devote pieces of my life to caring for those in desperate need of mercy. Can I do all of those things while being a good wife and mother? Why not, if God helps me? Why must I choose? I know this: the man I marry will be full of life; he will love writing, poetry, philosophy, literature, and theology above all; he will constantly encourage me to pour out my thoughts, my heart; he will love nature; he will love laughter; he will be an optimist; he will have wit, but be conscious of its potential cruelty; he will love children; he will love to travel; he will love to eat (since I love to cook); he will be courageous, and pursue me accordingly. Being a blond mountain man that loves banjos and foreign languages and "b" scary movies and Italian food and plaid is optional. Still, if God made him as my companion-I will forever be grateful.

I am a foolish girl. I've had too much sun and Dostoevsky. This blog is terrible and not fully developed and I don't care. Oh well.